A Dream

I had a dream right before the alarm went off (and through a few pushes of the 'ole snooze button) this morning. It was a very powerful dream - I am not sure if God was speaking to me or not, but I have a suspicion he was.

The first part of the dream is fuzzy and trivial. As it progressed I dreamt that I was on a ramp leading into a large banquet room. Now the colors and things of that nature are not important, but I'll do my best to bear out the fuzziness to give as much detail as possible.

Don't imagine a ramp like a loading ramp for a moving truck or something. Instead, imagine a ramp that zigzags, like a wheel chair ramp leading into a building. This ramp is leading into the banquet room and is completely self enclosed with in the building. The banquet room has a very western feel to it. It is filled with darkly stained pine booths and I am seated at what appears to be the closest one to the entrance. In front of me is a small buffet, behind me is a separate room with people - like an audience. Off to the one side I can see (my left side) is the rest of the banquet room.

The reason for the gathering is a sort of reunion. In the dream the people at the reunion are from my high school and college. As soon as I am seated we are instructed to eat. I look up and the first person going to the buffet drops a whole rack of ribs. Parenthetically, I think this moment speaks to this constant shame I carry around with me.

The next fuzzy scene occurs. . .

Some authoritative shadowy person asks me to hand out what appears to be leaflets to the attendees. As I go around the room I see friends and old faces. I come upon a person whom I have contempt for. I throw the leaflet at the person and think some contemptuous thoughts about him. Then I noticed that his hand is clubbed or deformed. I am consumed with guilt for being a jerk. (Maybe here in the dream, I am being reminded that the people I hold in contempt for hurting my feelings are deformed themselves and deserving of grace)

Next. . .

Where the buffet table was is now a big screen on which clips of people signing hymns and stuff is being projected. The videos and songs are very powerful and emotional. I don't remember what songs we were singing but at one point I am weeping as the Spirit of God moves. Everyone it seems is worshipping or at least enjoying the experience.

Next to me, suddenly, is a person named Candy. She is a person I witnessed to back in high school and who in real life is now born again. At any rate, Candy is in a wedding dress - but when she turns around I am disappointed because I don't necessarily recognized the person.

Next. . .

I am in that room that was behind me with the audience. Apparently, the worship part has ended, but I am still in tears. Someone, an older man, who is the director of this event (I am aware of this in my dream of course) is announcing that we should thank Linda Lea (you'd know her if you've ever posted at www.higher-calling.com) for providing childcare. Her little girl is there, but much older (they just had a baby a few months ago in real life). I immediately go to her (I am still in tears) and introduce myself. She blows me off, but for some odd reason it is OK.
Next . . .

The older gentleman is standing next to me with his arm around me, his wife is standing on the other side of me. He asks / instructs me to go and talk about marriage in front of the crowd. He explicitly instructs me to talk about marriage but DO NOT mention sex. He then prays for me. His prayer is powerful, he asks God to fill me with His Spirit. I am weeping and openly worshipping God as he prays for me.

I approach the crowd and begin to talk when I am consumed by the Spirit of God and through my tears begin to confess my addiction to porn. This confession is couched within a warning that it (porn) destroys marriages and what it has cost me. My confession soon turns into bold passionate preaching. I am no longer weeping but I am proclaiming the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

And then I am awake. . . dreams done, but God wasn't finished with me. My spirit was stirred and at this point I sense God is talking to me.

Analysis . . . ???

As I stumble through the ritual of getting ready for the drive over to seminary. God and I begin to talk - or more specifically God is speaking to me as I already mentioned.

Three things are being impressed on me all at the same time. They're weaving themselves into this tapestry of compassionate conviction (that is the best way I can describe it). I feel neither shame or guilt in the normal sense as we'd think about those feelings. As I pray and these three thoughts are woven through my conscious mind I feel sadness with out damnation or self-loathing. Grief without the pain, regret without the sorrow. These three thoughts that are forming this tapestry are as follows (in no particular order):

1. This phrase "Jesus is the friend of sinners" is just impressed on me. It is playing over and over in my head like a mantra. This phrase is flowing deep from my soul into my mind.



2. The songs "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" and "What a Friend We have in Jesus" are playing in my mind but they're sewn together into one stream of cognition. Like one melody, one song.



3. I have this profound sense of the majestic nature of salvation I can't speak in human words what this feeling or stream of consciousness exactly was for it was spiritual and visionary.

I was in the shower experiencing this moment with the Triune Living God when out of the depths of my soul I cried out to God to forgive me - and that phrase - "Jesus is a friend to sinners" echoed so loudly in my soul all I could do was cry and thank Jesus for being my friend.

I looked at myself in the mirror, my eyes red with tears, and thanked God that He was a friend to this sinner. Then the moment passed. I suddenly was alone with my thoughts.

Any thoughts?